Dangerous Secrets
by Longing for Oblivion
Summary: Well, after my latest writer's block and finishing the new chapter I edited this story, deleted the old version and reposted it now. Summary can be found in chapter one because it was too long, even with the increased summary length limit... Rating just to play it safe
1. Admissions

_**Discs.: I don't own CSI NY or its characters!**_

_**A/N: First of all, I edited this chapter slightly - mainly because I wanted to change the original A/Ns and furthermore I wanted to add a proper summary. And for some reason I eventually decided to repost the entire story, re-writing some of the stuff to match it better with the storyline considering that when I started writing this I hadn't fully decided what I was gonna write. Now however, I know exactly what I want to write so I chose to give the first four chapters a little make-over...**_

_**Well, this is basically just a little AU story based on "Pay Up". And before you decide to click the back button because you think this is just yet another of those "Angell-didn't-really-die"-stories, just do me a favor and read the first few chapters 'cause I can promise that none of those other stories is like mine! (though you might have heard that one before - just trust me, this one is worth reading!)**_

_**Pairing: Even though this is most definitely a Flangell story there will be nonetheless hints of Mac having feelings for Angell.**_

_**Genres: Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy, Romance, Angst, Suspense, Drama, Crime - it's gonna have a lot of different aspects to it.**_

_**Spoilers: all episodes from the season 3 opening up to the season 5 final (though this fanfic ignores the shooting at the end of the eppy and everything that happens afterwards)**_

_**Summary: They had believed that they had lost her and that fact had already been hard enough to comprehend - especially Flack and Mac had a tough time coping from this immense loss. However, as they're called in on a new homocide-case Flack and the CSIs are sent on yet another emotional roller coaster ride as it brings Angell back into their lives. But the joy of the surprising re-union doesn't last long as they have to learn the reason for her staged death - including some shocking secrets about her past...**_

* * *

**Dangerous Secrets**

_1. Admissions_

Two months. He couldn't believe that it had already been two months, damnit he still couldn't believe that she was really gone. Opening his eyes Mac looked at the gravestone in front of him, letting his shoulders and head hang.

Everybody else was dealing with it, even Flack seemed to start getting slowly back to normal...He on the other hand just couldn't deal with what had happened. Of course he tried to act like nothing was wrong, like he could handle it...

At times it actually worked and he managed not only to fool his friends and colleagues but also himself. However, surprisingly it was getting actually harder and harder with each day that passed instead of getting easier.

He hadn't felt this way, this help- and hopeless, ever since Claire had died. Well, actually moving on from losing Claire had been easier. After everything had sunk in, after realizing that she simply couldn't have survived, acceptance had soon followed. Even though it hadn't been acceptance for losing the woman he had loved, it hadn't taken long before he had accepted that there won't happen a miracle causing his wife to return.

Losing Angell was different, he missed her so goddamn much. For Christ's sake he just couldn't stop thinking about her, couldn't stop dreaming about her, memories of her following him wherever he was going, whatever he was doing...When he closed his eyes he could still hear her voice, her laugh, could still see her smile, smell her perfume. Damnit, he still found himself expecting to see her when he arrived at a crime-scene, ready to fill him in on the case details.

Often enough when he woke up at night he dared hoping that everything had just been a terrible nightmare, that he hadn't really lost her. But each time reality caught up with him all too soon, leaving him feeling even more empty and tired than the day before.

How was he supposed to find closure anyways when there were so many things that had remained unsaid? When there were so many goddamn things he had never told her?

Sure, there had been reasons for not telling her those things, but now he wished he had done it nonetheless...

Stretching out his hand he put the red rose he had been holding on top of the gravestone.

"I loved you..." Mac stated just above a whisper, a pained expression on his face.

Well, it was finally out - he had loved Jess, still loved her and somehow he doubted that this would change any time soon. However, it was too late, two goddamn months too late...

Why the hell had he never told her how much she meant to him when he had the time - when she had still been alive?

Letting his head and shoulders hang once more he heard his cell phone announce an incoming text-message. Taking a look at the message he sighed heavily at the reminder of why he had never told Jess that he loved her...

She had been with Flack, he had known that, had known that they were happy with each other. Truth was he had thought about telling Jess nonetheless, had thought about it numerous times, but in the end he had always come to the conclusion that he couldn't do it. After all, Flack was a good friend, he couldn't do this to him. And furthermore he was quite certain that Jess didn't feel the same, so he had chosen not to tell her, not wanting things to get awkward between them.

_The next evening :_

He had just finished another report when he heard a knock on his door, causing him to look up. Seeing that it was Stella he let out a heavy sigh and asked :

"What's up?"

"Well, we thought about having some drinks together...You're coming as well?" Stella smiled at him, leaning against the door-frame.

Mac sighed once more then he shook slightly his head and pointed out :

"I still got hours of work to do..." He indicated the piles of files, covering most of his desk.

Walking up to his desk Stella's smile was replaced by a serious facial expression.

"Come on, Mac - you need a break." Taking a file from one of the piles she raised questioning an eye-brow and inquired,

"This case went cold two years ago...So, what is it doing here?"

"It's never wrong to check if there might be something new." Mac retorted, not willing to discuss his working-habits,

"Was that everything?"

Stella sighed and after a moment she surrendered and turned to leave :

"I see you tomorrow..." When she had reached the door she added as if in an afterthought,

"Get some sleep, will ya?"

"Yeah..." Mac mumbled, already knowing that he won't sleep, and focused back on the file in front of him.

* * *

Walking up to her colleagues and Flack, Stella sighed. At least she had tried, right?

"He's not coming, is he?" Flack asked when she had reached them.

"No...He has still lots of paperwork to do..." Stella replied, though they all knew that Mac didn't _**have **_to do all this paperwork - he _**wanted **_to do it. Which was probably also the reason why he had that file about that cold case on his desk.

Ordering something to drink Stella let out another sigh. Well, recently she was getting more and more tempted to just lock the doors of Mac's office and not let him in there again until he realized that burying himself in work won't change anything. But two very important things spoke against that first of all Mac won't care, considering that he won't have a problem to get the doors open again - if necessary he would probably simply break one of them down to get back inside his office. And even more important - if she wanted to lock the doors to keep him out of his office, Mac would have to leave it first long enough, what he won't do...

_Later that evening :_

After about an hour Danny left and Hawkes soon followed, leaving Stella and Flack as the only two remaining.

Noticing how lost in thought Stella was Flack asked :

"You're okay?"

"Eh, yeah...Just kinda tired..." Stella replied a small smile on her face.

"He wasn't like this since right after Claire's death..." Flack mused a few seconds later, causing Stella to shake softly her head no.

"Actually he was not even like this back then..." Stella pointed out.

"Well, he loved her..." Seeing the surprised look on Stella's face Flack added,

"I'm not blind Stella..."


	2. Regrets

_**A/N: Well, here's a li'l chapter from Angell's POV...I can already tell you that the timeline might get a li'l fuzzy throughout the following chapters, due to the fact that there will be times when I focus on the events in New York and have to kinda go back in time when writing what happens meanwhile in Angell's life...**_

* * *

**Dangerous Secrets**

_2. Regrets_

Closing silently the door behind her she took a look at her surroundings. It had been two months by now, yet she still wasn't used to this, still wasn't able to really deal with this entire situation...

Walking down the familiar hallway, barely paying attention where she was going, considering that she knew every corner of the building by heart - even those parts that couldn't be found on any blueprints, she wondered what her friends and colleagues were currently doing, wondered how they were dealing with what had happened - if they still missed her...

From time to time she tried to tell herself that she was probably already nothing but a vague memory to them, hoping that it might get easier that way. After all, if she could make herself believe that those people she cared most about had already moved on it might get easier to stop missing them, considering that if they had already forgotten her there won't be a reason to want to return to them, was there?

But it didn't work, instead she missed them more and more with every day that passed. She missed her work, missed catching the bad guys - but that was in the past, she couldn't work for the police anymore...

Tears formed in her eyes as she entered the living-room and she didn't even bother to keep them from falling, after all, there was nobody who could see her cry, right?

Sitting down on the couch a sigh escaped her as she looked around. Of all the places in the world, why had she chosen to go back to this house? Well, it was her house, she had already lived in it before - though that seemed to have been in a completely different life - and she simply hadn't wanted to have to live in one of those impersonal safe-houses, so she had disappeared completely - and now nobody in the entire world knew where she was, considering that she had bought this place under another name and had furthermore paid cash.

And beside everything else this place had once been her sanctuary, she could walk around in this house with closed eyes and would find her way nonetheless. However, it was also another angry reminder of a part of her life she had thought was in the past, she had tried so hard to erase the memories from her brain, but as so often in life her past had caught up with her as well and she had found herself in a position she had feared ever since _**that **_time...

Sure, she had made this decision on her own (not that she had a real choice in the first place), she had _**chosen **_to leave New York, her family, her friends - the man she loved. Damnit, she hadn't left for herself - she had left for the sake of the people she cared the most about.

Well, it could be worse, right? She could be stuck in a forgein place - or she could be _**dead**_. Though actually it won't make much of a difference if she was really dead, considering that her current "life" couldn't really be called that way...She couldn't do her job anymore - though she had enough money for at least the next five to ten years, depending on what she was going to do with her time now - everybody she knew, everybody she cared about thought she was dead; she felt lost and most of all she was goddamn lonely!

After another moment she got up and headed into the adjoining library. Taking a look at all the book-shelves around her a tiny smile tugged on the corner of her lips. She had to admit that this was one of her favorite rooms in the entire house. There was a gallery that led around the entire room; a beautiful, huge chandelier in the center of the ceiling; an imposing marble staircase opposite the door, leading up to the gallery - and of course countless books, some of them were rare first editions...

Shaking slowly her head she walked up the stairs and went to the opposite site of the gallery, letting her hand absentmindedly brush over the balustrade. As she stopped she simply looked at the wall in front of her, unlike the other walls in the room this one wasn't hidden behind book-shelves, turning the one item on the wall into an eye-catcher.

It was a quite huge oil-painting of a jaguar, in the background the sun was rising, making the beautiful wild cat in the center of the painting looking even more majestic. She had found the painting in the basement when she had bought the house all those years ago, along with countless other amazing things, and had chosen to replace the painting that had been hanging at the wall before with this one...

A soft sigh escaped her as she walked closer to the painting and reached behind the frame, then she swung the painting without making a sound to the left, revealing a vault.

As her fingers flew over the small keypad she couldn't help thinking about how long she had debated with herself about getting that vault, on the one hand she had wanted to avoid at all costs that other people had access to this house, on the other hand she had come to the conclusion that it could be handy to have a vault - even though the house had in fact a lot of places where she could hide stuff...

Shaking slowly her head she pulled the door of the vault open and simply looked at the things in front of her. There were five wooden boxes, one of the smaller ones contained all sorts of official papers - passports, IDs, DMVs. A slightly bigger one was filled with money - US and Canadian Dollars, as well as a couple of credit cards. The two biggest boxes contained everything related to her secret past - though she wasn't quite sure why she had kept all that stuff...

However, none of these things had been the reason for her to open the vault - instead she took the smallest box out and closed the vault again. After putting the painting back in place she headed back to the living-room.

Sitting down on the couch she put the wooden box on the coffee-table and simply studied the item, still mesmerized by its beautiful details...It was a chest made out of a light-brown wood; twelve inches in length, six inches in width and eight inches in height. The outside was decorated with into the wood embedded flowers made of ivory and pale-pink nacre, each flower having a ruby in its center, there were also several other gems around the different flowers - pink and white diamonds, lapis lazuli, emeralds and amethysts - and the inside was covered with bright red velvet.

She had found the chest along with the oil-painting and detailed documents about every single antique the former owner of the house had possessed. After going through his notes for about two weeks she had not only learned that the family of the owner had collected antiques for more than a century, but she had also found out that this beautiful chest dated back to the time of Marie Antoinette...

Releasing a soft sigh she took off the necklace with the golden key to unlock the chest and examine its contents. Opening the lid a smile appeared on her face as she looked at her most valued possessions, though most of the things had more an emotional than a material value to her.

Taking one of the photographs into her hand a sad smile crossed her face as she took a look at the scene it showed, at the cheerful smiles on all their faces...It had been taken at her birthday, about a half year ago. She was standing in the middle, Flack to her right and Lindsay to her left, both of them having one of their arms around her waist. Next to Lindsay stood Danny and Hawkes, while Mac and Stella stood next to Flack.

Thinking back at that evening her eyes welled up with tears, if someone had told her back then that only three months later her past would force her to leave all of this behind she would have laughed at that person's face, absolutely certain that this would never happen...But it _**had **_happened and now she had to deal with all of this, had to deal with missing her family, her friends - with missing Flack.

She couldn't help wondering how he was holding up, if he had already found a way to deal with her being gone. Once more she was tempted to grab the phone and simply call him up - just to hear his voice, so she won't feel so alone anymore - but like before she forced herself to resist the urge.

She simply couldn't call anyone in New York - no matter how much she longed to talk with them - she knew that if she called and revealed to them that she was still alive they would try to find her and that was something she just couldn't have. After all, what would have been the point of everything that had happened in the passed two months if she let them know that all of it had been nothing but a huge lie...Plus if she called one of them other people would find out where she was in no time and she couldn't let that happen.

Right now nobody knew where she was and that was for the best, whether she liked it or not. Furthermore she had some important stuff to do.

But all those facts didn't change anything about the regret she felt for getting herself into this mess...


	3. Breaking down

**Dangerous Secrets**

_3. Breaking down_

Entering his apartment Flack sighed frustrated and let his shoulders hang. He had worked the last four days without a real break, considering that they had a really big case - almost an entire family had been murdered, the only survivor of the crime had been the youngest son, who had been nowhere to be found...

Well, after the first two days Mac had told him to go home and get some sleep, however, he had retorted that he would only take a break if Mac did as well and his friend had let the issue drop. Stella on the other hand didn't stop telling him to take a break, but he kept refusing - after all, a four year old boy was missing he _**couldn't **_just go home to get some sleep!

Now it was early in the afternoon, the boy had been found unharmed at a hospital. Turned out he had run away when he heard the shots and screams and had been hiding at a close-by playground for about three days, before a woman had found him and brought him to the hospital. He had refused to talk so they had no idea who he was until one of the nurses saw his photo on the news and called them.

He sighed again and headed to his bedroom, already pulling off his clothes on his way, letting them carelessly fall to the ground. Taking a look at his surroundings he came to the conclusion that he should probably finally tidy up his apartment, though it didn't really bother him that it was so messy...After all, he refused spending more time than necessary at home anyways, considering that everything in this place reminded him of Jess and he didn't want to think too much about her, about the fact that he had lost her...

Sure, on the outside he seemed quite calm about it by now, pretended he had found a way of dealing with her death. However, what seemed to his friends like moving on was in reality nothing but the result of learning more and more how to hide his pain from everybody else. The truth was he was far from moving on, what he was was not even in the same universe as moving on or anywhere near that.

Damnit, every time he woke up he expected to find her next to him, still deep asleep - with that cute smile on her face, which she tended to wear in her sleep.

He didn't even have the chance to really say goodbye to her...

_Flashback :_

_He couldn't believe this - she couldn't be dead, he just __**couldn't**__ have lost her!_

_"Can I see her?" He forced over his lips, looking at the doctor._

_"No...She was already picked up by someone from the morgue..." The young woman replied, a sympathetic expression on her face._

_Hearing that Flack simply turned and left. He had to see her, had to see for himself that she was really gone._

_At the morgue :_

_Approaching Sid and Hawkes, he asked :_

_"Where is she?"_

_The two men gave him a questioning look._

_"Where is who?" Sid asked in response._

_"Jess...Where is she?" Flack inquired._

_The two men both frowned and Hawkes replied :_

_"She isn't here..."_

_"What do you mean with 'she isn't here'? She __**has**__ to be here - at the hospital they said someone from the morgue had picked her up!" Flack yelled angrily._

_"She isn't here, because this lab was offically pulled off the case..." He heard Mac's voice from behind and spun around._

_"What?" _

_"Sinclair just called and told me that Major Case and the FBI will take over the investigation now...The evidence is already on its way over to the lab of the Feds."_

_"Why?" Flack demanded to know._

_"I dunno, but it's probably because of her connection to me and the others. If the forensic team of the FBI processes the evidence, the findings can't be questioned due to a conflict of interest. They are one-hundred percently objective - we won't be..." Mac explained._

_End flashback_

After he had heard Mac's explanation he had headed over to the FBI and had asked them to let him see her, so he could say goodbye - but they hadn't let him. And at the funeral a couple of days later he hadn't seen her either, because the coffin had been closed the entire time. Jess' dad had explained that Jess won't have wanted people to stare pitiful at her body, and he had chosen not to question that.

He had only once been at her grave after the funeral, unable to endure standing there, looking at the gravestone. He avoided talking with her family, even though they kept inviting him over for dinner and stuff - it was just way too painful to see them, to be reminded of his failure of protecting Jess.

Somehow he still couldn't believe that she was really gone, still believed he would wake up any moment and find out that it had only been a terrible nightmare. He would give his everything if he could turn back time and save her life; or if he could at least hold her in his arms once more, share one last kiss with her and tell her how much he loved her - that he would never stop loving her...

He knew he wasn't the only one suffering because of her death, after all, there was her dad, her brothers and then there was Mac. Flack knew that Mac had loved Jess; he didn't blame him, wasn't mad at him for it; he also knew that Mac had never told her how much she meant to him, because he had known that Jess was with him. He knew that Mac suffered just as much as he himself did, but he didn't - he _**couldn't**_ - really care about it.

_A few hours later :_

Flack woke with a start, he wasn't sure for how long he had slept, but he assumed that it hadn't been long. His entire body was covered in sweat, his breathing was laboured from the nightmare he just had...

It was always the same - as soon as his eyes closed and he drifted off with his mind, he relived that moment when Jess got shot, heard the sound of crashing glass, the screams - the shots; dreamed about how he had basically pushed Terrence out of his car and had rushed over to the diner, how he had gotten out of his car and had hurried to get inside, praying to God that Jess was okay. Then he saw her lying on the ground, saw the blood...The scene kept repeating in his mind over and over again, causing him to wake up even more exhausted than he had been before he had gone to sleep, leaving him each time more emotionally strained.

Coming to the conclusion that he needed some distraction he got up and decided to take the time to finally tidy up a bit until he came up with something better.

When he noticed that he shivered he went to his closet and pulled a t-shirt and a pair of sweat-pants out of it and hurried to put both on. A moment later he looked around, wondering why it was so damn cold in the room even though it had been still quite warm when he had gotten home.

Seeing that the window was open he sighed and went to close it. As he had reached the window and looked out he saw that it had rained. Simply inhaling the cool, fresh air for a moment he thought back to his birthday the passed summer...

They had both been supposed to work the nightshift so they had slept long and, considering that it had been such a great and warm day, they had spent most of the day outside. First they had went to have brunch at a French café and then she had come up with the idea of going to Coney Island...Around afternoon there had been a thunderstorm and while he had tried to avoid getting soaked to his bones Jess had simply kept standing in the rain for some time. Later she had told him that she loved thunderstorms - and even more the time after one, had told him that she loved how the air seemed so much cleaner after a thunderstorm...

A frown appeared on his face and he hurried to close the window. Somehow he wished he could be at work right now, at least then he would be occupied and won't have the time to think about Jess.

Releasing a heavy sigh Flack reminded himself that he had wanted to clean up his apartment and headed into the living-room, deciding to start there.

_About ten minutes later :_

Grabbing a dirty t-shirt from the floor Flack frowned as he saw the book that had been covered by it. As he picked it up a photo strip fell out of it and he picked it up as well. Taking a look at the four pictures he felt his eyes well up with tears.

Turning to head to the couch he studied it more carefully, the book in his other hand already forgotten. All four pictures showed him and Jess. On the first he had his arm around her; the second looked almost the same, beside the fact that on this one Jess was resting her head on his shoulder; on the third picture Jess was kissing him on his cheek and the last one showed them sharing a kiss.

He hadn't even remembered anymore that she had started reading that book a few days before she had died, or that she had used that photo strip as bookmark. How could he have forgotten these things?

By now tears were running over his face and he let the book simply drop back to the floor, before changing direction and heading to the kitchen. Opening the fridge and looking at its contents he frowned.

Slamming the door back shut he wiped the tears from his cheeks and opened one of the close-by cabinets, before grabbing one of the bottles from the top-shelf and a glass from the shelf beneath, before going back to the living-room.

He put both, the bottle as well as the glass, on the coffee-table and let himself fall on the couch, before filling the glass to the half with the auburn liquid from the bottle and took a gulp of it. The whiskey burnt slightly in his throat, though he didn't really give a shit about it at the moment.

He knew his walls were starting to crumble and there was nothing he could do about it. After all, there was a limit to everything and he had reached his limit when it came down to pain. It was just a matter of hours, maybe days if he was lucky, until the walls would break and all of it would collapse over him like a tidal wave.

A moment later he lifted the glass to his lips and emptied it, before opening the bottle and refilling it, though this time he filled it almost to the rim.

Just as he took another gulp of whiskey the phone started ringing. For a moment he thought about getting up and answering the call, but eventually he chose to simply stay where he was.

It didn't take long before the answering-machine went on and started recording the message.

_"Hey Don, it's me...Well, I know you're probably busy working, so I don't blame you for not being able to make it to dinner...Anyways, I hope that everything's okay with ya...Call me." _A moment later Samantha hung up and Flack sighed, feeling bad for having forgotten that they had wanted to meet for dinner.

_The next day :_

Opening his eyes Flack frowned, needing a moment to figure out where he was. After a few more seconds he sat up on the couch. Damn, his head felt like it was exploding!

Taking a look at the coffee-table he also realized why, considering that beside the by now empty bottle of whiskey there were also several empty beer-bottles standing on the table.

A sigh escaped him and he got up, heading to the kitchen. He wasn't quite sure what time it was and in fact he didn't give a goddamn shit about it either. What he knew was that he could really use another drink, considering that he had once again dreamed about nothing but Jess' death.

He wanted nothing more than simply forget about all this pain, and somehow he began feeling bad because he used to blame Sam for drinking so much. Now he understood her, understood that sometimes it was simply easier this way...He couldn't blame his sister for that, for looking for an easy way to deal with her troubles, could he?

Opening the cabinet he frowned for a moment then he grabbed a bottle of tequila and padded back to the couch. He was already about filling the glass from the passed day when he changed his mind and simply chose to drink directly out of the bottle. After all, why should he bother to pour the tequila first into a glass?

He had tried to drown his pain like this before, right after Jess had died, however, eventually he had forced himself to act like everything was okay again, to focus on his work and ignore the pain, the grief that gnawed on him. Now he simply didn't care anymore - he was done pretending that he was okay, that he could deal with her death...

Incapable of standing the silence any longer he grabbed the remote of the stereo and turned it on. Turning the volume up he closed his eyes for a moment and lifted the bottle once more to his lips, simply listening to Default blaring from the speakers.

Just as he was about to take another big gulp of tequila there was a knock on his door. Chosing to ignore it he continued lifting the bottle to his lips and closed his eyes as the dark liquid ran down his throat.

However, only a moment later there was another wave of knocks, soon accompanied by Stella's voice.

"Flack, come on, open up, after all, you're obviously there..."

Flack frowned for a moment then he shouted :

"Leave me alone!" Even to his own ears his words sounded quite slurred.

"Come on, Flack, open up..." She kept repeating and knocked simultaneously.

Taking a swig of tequila Flack grabbed the remote and turned the volume up once more. As the song was over and it was silent for a moment he could hear that Stella was still at his door.

'_Damn her!_' He thought and got up to tell her into her face that she should leave him alone and get lost.

Flinging the door open he demanded to know :

"What the hell do you want?"

"I wanted to check on you, considering that you didn't show up for work and didn't answer your phone nor your cell..." She paused, and taking a closer look at him she added,

"And apparently that was a good idea..." She indicated the bottle in his one hand.

"Okay, so I'm missing a goddamn day of work - how would it be your business?" He inquired.

"It's about half-past ten in the morning and judging by your slurred speech you've already been drinking for quite a while..." Stella pointed out and entered his apartment.

"Yeah, why don't you just come in..." He stated, sarcasm etched to his voice, and slammed the door shut.

Turning to look at the CSI he saw that she was already studying her surroundings, her eyes eventually stopping on the coffee-table.

Just as "It Only Hurts" started playing Stella turned toward him and spoke up again :

"Flack, what's wrong? I thought you..."

"You thought what?" Flack interrupted,

"That I don't miss her anymore? That it doesn't hurt anymore?" He took another swig from the bottle in his hands,

"Damnit Stella, I _**loved **_Jess - I heard everything over the phone and there was not a goddamn thing I could've done to save her!" He felt how his eyes filled with tears and he didn't give a damn about it, about the fact that his well-constructed facade was breaking, or the fact that he won't be able to keep pretending that he was okay anymore, eventually Flack lifted the bottle once more to his lips,

"And I couldn't even say goodbye!" He paused, glaring angrily as the tears broke free, then he yelled,

"Tell me how I'm supposed to move on - how I'm supposed to live with the knowledge that I couldn't protect her!"

"Well, drinking is certainly not gonna help you with dealing with this..." Stella tried to reason with him, even though she probably knew as well as he did that he couldn't care less about that.

Normally he would be embarassed by the fact that he was crying in front of someone he worked with, but right now he didn't give a shit, didn't even try to stop the tears from falling or to wipe them away.

He was simply way too tired of pretending, of ignoring the growing pain inside of him...He knew that he would never be able to move on, he would never be able to fill the void her death had left behind - and even less he would be able to find someone else he could love as much as he had loved Jess...

By now his body was shaking violently due to his sobs and he realized that even if he had wanted to stop crying the tears would've kept streaming over his face. He felt Stella put one of her arms around him while taking at the same time the bottle from his hand.

A moment later she led him to the couch and forced him to take a seat. Then she placed the bottle on the coffee-table and sitting down beside him she turned the music down.

"I can't live without her, I just can't...Jess was my life...Without her there's nothing to live for..." He muttered after he had regained some control over himself, and the tears had subsided.

* * *

Putting her arm around him she wondered how it could be that she hadn't seen that Flack was still suffering this much, after all, she hadn't seen him like this ever before.

Well, the truth was she had been too occupied with trying to keep Mac from burying himself in work as that she could've kept an eye on Flack as well. And on the outside he had seemed okay...

However, now she knew better, he wasn't just not okay - he seemed to be in even much more pain than right after Jess had died.

_Some time later :_

Noticing that Flack had fallen asleep Stella got quietly up and pulled out her cell phone. While waiting for her call to be answered she took the bottle of tequila from the table and headed to the kitchen.

As Mac answered the call she told him :

"Listen, I don't think I can make it back to work today..."

_"It's that bad?"_ Mac asked, and she could tell by his voice that he had a worried frown on his face.

"Unfortunately it is...I don't think it would be wise to leave him alone at the moment." Stella stated.

_"Okay..."_ Mac said and a short moment later they hung up.

Returning to the living-room and looking at Flack she couldn't help wondering what she should do. As her eyes wandered to the coffee-table she came to the conclusion that it won't be a bad idea to put all the empty bottles away.

She grabbed several of the bottles and brought them to the kitchen, wondering how many of those bottles he had emptied since he had gotten home the passed day. Realizing that she probably won't manage to figure it out she went back to the living-room to get the rest of the bottles.

Reaching for yet another bottle from the coffee-table she caught sight of a photo strip that was lying on the table as well. Taking it in one of her hands she studied the photos and a sad smile appeared on her face as she noticed how happy Flack and Jess seemed in the pictures.

For a moment she wondered if those photos had triggered Flack's breakdown, however, a moment later she came to the conclusion that the reason didn't really matter. What mattered was that Flack needed help or he would keep up his self-destructive behavior. Working and drinking too much and not getting enough sleep won't bring Angell back, Flack knew that as well, but he was apparently already too far gone as that he would - as that he could - care.

Putting the photo strip back down she turned to look for a short while at Flack before continuing with getting some order into the chaos surrounding her.


	4. Damaged

_**A/N: Well, as in the prior three chapters I took also here the chance to edit some stuff - one major change is that I chose to give Flack's boss a name myself, 'cause I'm tired of calling the guy always just "the Captain" or having to use a pronoun when mentioning him - and I have no clue what his name on the show is...So from now on he's gonna be named Aaron Carlisle in all my stories. **_

* * *

**Dangerous Secrets**

_4. Damaged_

When he woke up it was dark outside and to his great relief it seemed like Stella had left. After his eyes had adjusted to the darkness surrounding him he noticed that the empty bottles had disappeared from the coffee-table and that basically the entire part of the living-room that he saw was suddenly less messy.

Normally he would probably appreciate that Stella had chosen to clean up some of the mess, but right now it just pissed him totally off that she had dared to violate his privacy like that. Who gave Stella the damn right to do such stuff like that?

Well, he could leave tearing her head off to the next day, right?

Releasing a heavy sigh Flack got up and padded to his kitchen. He felt like he was starving and beside that he was damn thirsty.

Opening the fridge he wondered for how long he had been sleeping. However, in the end he came to the conclusion that it didn't really matter - nothing really mattered to him since Jess was gone and nothing was ever gonna matter again...

Taking a look at the contents of the fridge he frowned for a moment before slamming the door shut and opening a cabinet. For a moment he just stared at the top-shelf then his eyes narrowed and his hands clenched into fists.

How could Stella dare? It was one thing that she had simply cleaned up his apartment without his permission, but with_** this**_ she had certainly crossed the line!

Taking another glance at the empty shelf he shook angrily his head and closed the cabinet again, before heading for his bedroom to change clothes.

_At a bar, about a half hour later :_

As Flack stared at his drink he couldn't help wondering if Stella really thought that removing the alcohol from his apartment was gonna keep him from drinking. After all, she should be aware of the fact that he could easily replace that stuff - or simply head to a bar, like he had done.

Well, basically this was just another thing that didn't really matter, now did it? Why the hell shouldn't he get drunk all over again, it wasn't like there was anybody who would really care, right?

Sure, people always told you that they cared, but the truth was they didn't. The sooner you realize that - the sooner you face the fact that in this cold, harsh world nobody cared for anyone other than himself - the sooner you stop being disappointed by other people's apathy and egoism!

Before he had lost Jess he had cared, he had been compassionate - now he didn't give a damn anymore. He forced himself to get up in the morning, to get to work and somehow through the day and when the bad guy was caught he went home to his empty apartment and went to bed, praying that he won't dream about her death all over again - that he could for once dream about all those great times he had had with Jess and not about the moment when he had lost her - and when he woke up the next day he went through the same routine all over again.

He was so goddamn tired of this, of being without Jess, but what was he supposed to do about it? If he was honest with himself he had thought about simply giving up and put an end to it all. In fact he had already been sitting in his apartment several times, had unsecured his gun and had just stared at it for a couple of minutes - he had even hold it to his temple, ready to pull the trigger - but eventually he had come each time to the conclusion that Jess won't have wanted that...Well, she probably won't have wanted him to start drinking either, but then again there was quite a huge difference between committing suicide and drowning your pain with alcohol, wasn't there?

Emptying yet another glass Flack released a heavy sigh. He hadn't just changed his mind everytime because of Jess - even though she had been the main reason for and against it - he had also always decided against pulling the trigger because of Sam, he didn't want to make things even harder for her, and then there was of course his father...And furthermore killing himself won't bring Jess back, now would it? Though he won't think twice about taking her place, sacrificing his own life, if it prevented her from losing hers.

_Flack's apartment, the next morning around 6 AM :_

Waking up to the sound of his cell phone Flack let out a frustrated groan, feeling like shooting a goddamn hole into the stupid, way too noisy item. Answering the call anyways he sat up and tried to focus on what he was told, while a part of him was trying simultaneously to figure out how the hell he had actually gotten home the passed night - or when.

After ending the conversation on the phone he sighed and got up. Ignoring the pain in his skull he padded to the kitchen to get some coffee. After all, there was another day to get through, another bad guy to be brought down and then there was that other task on his agenda and that was tearing a certain CSI's head off asap!

He wasn't quite sure yet how to make her pay for what she had done, but Stella was _**so **_gonna pay! Sure, maybe it was a bit unreasonable to get so mad just because she had cleaned up his apartment and wanted to keep him from drinking - after all, he should probably be grateful for that - but that was _**so **_not the point here! The point was that he was old enough to make his own decisions, he could keep his apartment as clean or messy as he wanted and he could most definitely drink as much as he wanted to and when he wanted to, damnit!

Stella had no freakin' right to make decisions for him, she had no goddamn right to interfere with his way of dealing (or not dealing) with Jess' death! If he decided to numb himself with alcohol she had to live with it - it was _**his **_life, he could do with it what _**he **_wanted!

_About forty minutes later :_

As he arrived at the crime scene Flack sighed and simply stayed in his car for a moment longer. Unbuckling his seat-belt his eyes caught sight of something metallic on the backseat and a small grin crossed his face as he reached for the item.

Opening the flask he wondered how he had been able to forget that he had thrown it carelessly onto the seat just the other day. Taking a swig of the whiskey he had filled into the flask he closed his eyes for a moment.

He still wasn't sure how to make Stella regret what she had done the passed day, but well, maybe it was smarter anyways to wait until she thought he wasn't mad at her...In the meantime he would simply ignore her.

With that decision made he put the flask into one of the pockets of his sweat-shirt jacket and got out of his car.

Walking up to the crime scene tape Flack flashed his badge to the uniformed officer and headed over to Mac and Hawkes who were already busy examining the body.

When he had reached them Mac gave him a surprised look and already opened his mouth to say something, but apparently the glare Flack gave him was enough to make him change his mind.

"What do you know 'bout the vic so far?" Flack asked eventually, though he didn't really give a shit about that, or about the fact that he should already know the answer to that question for that matter.

While listening to what Mac was telling him Flack watched Stella collect evidence a few feet away. There was one thing Flack was currently absolute sure of and that was that next time Stella was gonna think at least twice before deciding to "help" him!

"So, Miguél Ramirez was a drug dealer who messed with the wrong people?" Flack wanted to know and frowned. Why should they actually bother looking for whoever killed that guy - after all, there were worse things than some drug dealer being killed - so why wasting resources for solving a case like this?

_Twenty minutes later :_

After having a little chat with the guy who had found the body Flack came to the conclusion that it was probably best to head to the precinct and do some background checking on the vic.

Just as he turned to head back to his car Stella approached him and he coudn't help but roll his eyes.

"What do you want?" Flack asked impatiently when the CSI had reached him.

"I wanted to know how you're doing..." Stella replied.

Flack remained quiet for a moment then he stated, while pulling the flask out and unscrewing the lid :

"Well, let me think...Jess is still dead, being without her still hurts like hell and you are starting to _**seriously **_piss me off!" With that he took a pointed, huge swig of whiskey.

"Now you're even drinking while on the job?" Stella inquired, her eyes filling with disbelief.

Taking a short glance at the flask in his hand he frowned for a moment, then he took another gulp and pointed out :

"I guess that's what I'm currently doing...But face it - it's none of your goddamn business what I'm doing! I can drink when, where and as much as I want! And I don't give a goddamn shit about whether you like that or not, got that Bonasera?"

"That was out of line, Flack...And besides, Stella is right..." Flack heard Mac's voice from behind and spun around.

"You know what? Go to hell - both of you!" Flack stated angrily and glared for a few seconds at the two CSIs, then he turned around and headed to his car.

What the hell did they think who they were? They had no goddamn right to judge him - or to tell him what to do and what not! And for Christ's sake what the hell did they expect - that he would just move on as if Jess had never existed?

Unlocking his car and getting in Flack tried to calm down, after all, he had work to do, right? He could continue his little mental rant when he had caught the damn killer.

_At the precinct, the next day, 9:30 AM :_

As Mac approached him Flack let out a sigh and got up from his seat, following Mac to the interrogation-rooms. Since he had left the crime scene the passed day he had limited all communication between him and the CSIs to the most necessary stuff and nothing beyond that.

Now, however, they had a suspect that needed to be questioned and as much as Flack would have preferred talking with the guy alone Mac had insisted on being there during the interrogation. And Flack was so not in the mood to debate about the issue so he simply surrundered.

After entering the interrogation-room Mac sat down at the table, opposite of their suspect, while Flack chose for some unknown reason to stand behind the guy, leaning against the wall, arms crossed in front of his chest.

"You remember him?" Mac asked showing a picture of the vic to the suspect.

"No, but why would I care 'bout that guy? After all, he looks pretty much dead to me..." Antonio Sullivan stated in response, not seeming the least bothered or intimidated. But Flack hadn't expected anything else, he and Sullivan had come across each other on numerous occasions by now...

On the outside Sullivan was the chastened boss of a record label, while he was in reality using his connections for his illegal activities. He was mainly involved into drug dealing and pretty much all kinds of smuggling, so far he hadn't been charged with any violent crimes, but then again he had people for stuff like that. And even if he had nothing to do with the murder of Miguél Ramirez it was very likely that he at least knew who was responsible for it.

"Where were you Monday night?" Mac inquired.

"Well, let me think..." Sullivan paused and made a thoughtful face, then he started,

"Between 6 and 9 PM I was at a restaurant with a couple of friends - I can give you names and addresses later if you want. After having dinner together we headed to the opening of a nightclub of a friend of mine - I think I stayed until about 1 AM, before heading home to my girlfriend Kayla...You can of course ask her if I left again before I had to get to work, but considering that you might not gonna believe her you can also simply take a look at the tapes of the security cameras." Sullivan smiled,

"And around half-past seven my driver picked me up and brought me to work - go ahead and ask him and my other employees if I really was at work, but I guess that won't be necessary considering that you only asked for an alibi for the night..." He paused,

"Anything else - or can I go now? After all, as you might know I got a business to run..." When Mac and Flack remained both quiet Sullivan began rising from his seat, however, after a short moment of silence he spoke up once more, a dirty grin appearing on his face,

"By the way, where's that hot brunette detective? What was her name once again? - Right, Detective Angell...When your colleagues brought me in I..." Before Sullivan was able to finish whatever he had been about to say Flack had made a step toward him; had grabbed him at the shoulders and pushed him forcibly against the wall, hitting his head hard against it, causing Sullivan to go silent.

"What were you saying?" Flack yelled at Sullivan and turned him around to look at the guy's face.

"Flack..." Mac stated, while getting up.

Sullivan's nose was bleeding from its impact with the wall, wiping the blood away with the back of his left hand his grin returned and he started :

"I think you heard what I've been saying..." He paused for a few seconds, just looking at Flack, as he continued his grin widened,

"After all, Jessica and I got along so well - I had really hoped she would..." Sullivan went silent as Flack's fist buried into his stomach, then he taunted,

"Well, fine - go ahead and show me what ya got..."

Flack barely noticed how Mac told him to let go of Sullivan or how the CSI tried to pull him away, instead he began punching Sullivan into the face, the stomach - his entire anger venting on the guy in front of him.

"God, is that your best?" Sullivan inquired a moment later, after another blow to his face,

"My four-year-old niece can punch harder than you do..." He paused for a short moment, then he added just above a whisper, so that Mac couldn't hear what he was saying,

"Maybe if you were not such the wimp that you are Jessica would still be alive...It's too bad that she had to die before I had the chance to show her how it feels to sleep with a _**real **_man..."

Hearing that Flack grabbed Sullivans jaw and slammed the man's head against the wall - once, twice, then a third and fourth time.

As Mac watched how Flack pushed Sullivan against the wall, he hurried to get up and stated in a calm but warning voice the younger man's name.

It wasn't like he couldn't understand why Flack was so angry, after all, he felt his own anger boiling just beneath the surface as well, however, Sullivan wasn't worth the trouble Flack was currently getting himself into.

Walking up to the other two men Mac got a hold of Flack and tried to pull him away from Sullivan.

"Flack, let him go!" Mac demanded, but realized almost immediately that the black-haired detective wasn't paying any attention to him,

"It's not worth it..." He tried to reason with Flack, while watching Sullivan say something to his colleague, though he couldn't make out what it was.

When Flack began hitting Sullivan's head against the wall Mac tried once more to pull him away from their suspect while telling him :

"Flack, stop it!"

However, realizing that he won't manage to stop Flack he let go of him and headed to the door. Opening the door he shouted :

"I need help in here!"

Almost immediately three uniformed officers came over. As they entered the interrogation-room the three unis took a quick look around, before two of them hurried over to Flack, while the third one left - probably to inform Captain Carlisle about what was going on.

The two remaining officers grabbed Flack at his arms and after a while they managed to actually pull him away from Sullivan.

However, just a few seconds passed before Flack had freed himself from their grip and approached Sullivan again. The two, young officers hurried to get a hold of him again, before he could attack Sullivan another time.

As they forced Flack to leave the room with them Mac took another look at Sullivan, who was grinning triumphantly - even though he had trouble keeping himself on his feet.

After another moment of consideration Mac left the interrogation-room as well, already pulling out his cell phone to call for an ambulance.

Just as he had finished the call he saw Carlisle coming toward them and he could tell by the expression on the man's face that he was totally furious.

He took a short look at Flack then he focused his attention at one of the uniformed officers and instructed :

"Bring Detective Flack to his desk and keep an eye on him!" The man nodded and left with Flack, a moment later he hissed,

"Taylor, my office - now!"

Mac sighed and already headed into the direction of the Captain's office, while the other man went into the interrogation-room to form a judgement on the situation, then he heard him order :

"Miller, you stay here and keep an eye on him."

_A few minutes later :_

Closing the door of his office behind them Aaron Carlisle went to take a seat behind his desk, before demanding to know :

"What the hell happened in there?"

Mac took a deep breath and replied :

"We had just finished questioning Sullivan when he began provoking Flack...Eventually his temper got the better of him." Mac paused for a moment, then he added,

"But I think it had just been a question of time before it got too much for him to handle."

"What makes you say that?" Carlisle gave him a questioning look.

After a moment of hesitation Mac stated :

"He's drinking - that's why he missed that day of work..."

* * *

Frowning angrily Flack waited for his boss to call him into his office. He knew he was in big trouble, knew that he overstepped the line, however, he couldn't help but see a certain irony in the entire situation...

Not even a year ago he had been under investigation because a teenager had died in the interrogation-room - in his custody. Back then it had in the end turned out that the boy had taken an overdose of his meds and that Flack had nothing to do with his death.

This time, however, things were different - he had attacked a suspect, and there was no way he would be able to avoid some sort of punishment.

It wasn't like he didn't know that he should've simply ignored Sullivan's attempts to provoke him, but he had simply been way too upset. Probably Sullivan had planned this all along - after all, this scumbag had known that Jess was dead, he had known about his relationship with her - and he had given Sullivan the satisfaction to act exactly the way he had assumed he would.

Before Flack was able to get even more lost in his thoughts he heard Carlisle call his name and he let out a heavy sigh before getting up and heading to his boss' office.

As he entered the room Carlisle, who had already sat back down behind his desk, ordered :

"Close the door..."

After doing as he had been told Flack simply waited for the Captain to speak up again.

"When you asked me to put you back on duty not even a month ago you assured me that you could handle things - despite Angell's death. Now, however, it's getting quite obvious that it was a mistake to let you already come back...You're coming and going just like it suits you - if you're showing up at all that is." Carlisle began, a half concerned, half angry expression on his face,

"Furthermore I heard that you're drinking on the job."

Hearing that Flack looked for a moment at Mac, but remained silent - even though he felt his anger rise again. _How can this backstabbing son-of-a-bitch dare to rat me out? _He thought angrily, while focusing his attention back on his supervisor.

"And to make matters even worse you've beaten a suspect up. You got anything to say about what has happened in the interrogation-room?"

"Nope." Flack forced over his lips, a stubborn expression on his face. After all, there was nothing to say concerning what he had done, though he was slightly tempted to point out that Sullivan had only gotten what he had deserved.

Captain Carlisle nodded slightly, remaining silent for a moment then he said :

"You're suspended for a week. After that I first want a complete pychological evaluation of you before putting you back on duty. That would be everything..." As Flack was about to turn to leave he added,

"Hand me your gun."

Flack released a sigh and pulled wordlessly his gun out of its holster and gave it to his boss, then he turned and left.

_At a bar, about one and a half hours later :_

Emptying yet another bottle of beer Flack let out a heavy sigh and simply closed his eyes for a while.

"It's not even one o'clock in the afternoon on a Wednesday and you're at a bar?" A way too familiar voice interrupted his train of thought and he looked up into his sister's face.

"I could ask ya the same thing, ya know..." Flack pointed out, his speech already slightly slurred.

"I came here because of you...What's your excuse? After all, shouldn't you be working?" Samantha inquired.

"Nope..." He stated, then he wanted to know,

"What do you mean with you came here because of me?"

"Well, you happen to have picked a bar where I used to work - the bartender called, thinking you had enough drinks..." Samantha paused and looked expectantly at him, then she added,

"Come on, let's get ya home..."

For a moment Flack just looked at his sister, contemplating about whether he should leave with her or if he should simply ignore her. Eventually he released a heavy sigh and got up while pulling out his wallet and paying his drinks, before following Samantha to the door.

As they stepped outside the bar she lifted her hand and demanded :

"Keys."

Flack rolled his eyes and frowned, but surrendered wordlessly, not being in the mood to argue with Sam.

_At Flack's apartment :_

The ride had passed in perfect silence and Flack chose to not waste his energy on trying to keep his sister from following him inside.

After entering his apartment Flack made a bee-line for the kitchen, while Sam closed the door and stayed in the living-room.

As he returned she gave him a concerned glance and asked :

"Don't you think that you drank enough at the bar?"

"Nope...And besides it doesn't matter anyways." Flack mumbled and took a swig of his beer, causing Sam to sigh.

"Of course it matters."

"I'm not in the mood to argue with you..." He trailed off.

Sam gave him a look, eye-brows raised and joked :

"You're not in the mood to argue with me? Now that's gotta be a first..."

"Very funny." He stated, a frown on his face, after a moment he added,

"Seriously, I don't wanna argue today..." Flack paused for a few seconds, taking another gulp of beer,

"Listen Sam, I'm sorry for missing dinner at the weekend..."

Sam shrugged and smiled, then she pointed out :

"It's okay, you had to work - I understand that..."

"No, it's not OK, I had forgotten that we had wanted to meet for dinner - I didn't have to work...When you called I was here, but I wasn't in the mood to talk so I chose not to answer the phone." He admitted and emptied the bottle in his hand.

"So, what were you doing at the bar this early?" Sam inquired.

"Getting drunk?" Flack said, causing his sister to sigh.

"I'm serious about this...Shouldn't you be working at this time of day?"

"Nope, I got suspended and furthermore my boss thinks I'm unfit for being back on duty." He told her and went to the kitchen to get another bottle of beer.

The moment he returned Sam wanted to know :

"What do you mean with you got suspended?"

Flack let out a sigh and stated :

"That I got suspended."

As he lifted the bottle to his lips Sam demanded :

"Give me that bottle..." When he ignored her protest she added,

"Drinking is no solution for your problems."

Hearing that Flack couldn't help but chuckle.

"Since when are you the reasonable one of the two of us?"

Sam smirked and replied :

"I'm just trying to return the favor and let you have a taste of your own medicine..." She paused, when she went on she gave him a concerned glance,

"But seriously Don, what's going on? It's not like you to get drunk in the middle of the day - or getting drunk at all for that matter..."

Taking another swig from the beer bottle Flack leaned back against the wall behind him and mumbled :

"Doesn't matter...After all, it's not like I gotta work tomorrow..."

"Why did you get suspended?" She inquired after a short while of silence.

"Well, I simply didn't show up for work on Monday because I've been totally hung over and I've been drinking on the job..." He paused, emptying the beer bottle, and sitting down on the carpet,

"And most of all I've beaten a suspect during interrogation this morning."

"What?" Sam exclaimed in disbelief.

"I've beaten a suspect." He repeated.

"Why? After all, that's not like you..."

Flack sighed and shrugged.

"I was angry before - he provoked me and I did him the favor to let my temper get the better of me."

"Dad, ain't like hearing about that..." Sam muttered and sat down to his left, taking the empty bottle from his hand.

"You think so?" Flack smirked sardonic at her,

"He's gonna be seriously pissed when he hears about this - and he's _**certainly **_gonna hear about it somehow."

"Guess I'm not the only screw-up in the family, huh?" Sam teased, causing Flack to let out a sarcastic chuckle.

"Seems like it..." He let his head hang,

"Listen Sam, I shouldn't have blamed you for drinking and all that stuff...I guess, it took the passed two months for me to start understanding you." He looked up and they locked eyes.

"It's because of Jessica's death that you started drinking, isn't it?" Sam broke the silence after a while.

Flack let his shoulders hang and nodded, his eyes welling up with tears.

"Drinking isn't gonna bring her back..." Sam pointed quietly out.

"I know..." He bit his lower lip as his tears broke free,

"But it just hurts too goddamn much..."

"You really loved her, didn't you?" Sam asked just above a whisper, unable to remember when she had ever seen her brother cry.

"Yeah...She was...She was the right one..." He mumbled between sobs,

"I can't live without her...All I can think about is her and that day...One moment we're on the phone, making plans for the evening - and in the next she's fighting for her life...It's just not fair..."

Sam put her right arm around him and after a few seconds he leaned his head against her shoulder, while she leaned her's against his head.

"I miss her so much..." He reached with his right hand for her shoulder, his body by now shaking violently due to his sobs.

"I know, Don..." Sam said quietly, stroking his back with her right hand and putting her left arm around him as well, her own eyes now glistening with tears as well,

"I know..."


	5. Out in the open

_**A/N: Okay, so first of all I wanna explain why it took me so long to get the new chapter done. First of all it doesn't really seem like anyone is actually interested in this story, furthermore I had doubts about the storyline. However, at the end of my writer's block I finally figured out what exactly I wanna write and that triggered me to delete and repost the entire story. There are no real major changes in the prior four chapters, only a few edits (like correcting spelling and grammar errors, adding some details - stuff like that), so don't worry...**_

_**Well, before I'm gonna let you enjoy the update I wanna mention something more or less important and that would be the timeline of this chapter - it takes place a few hours after Mac left the precinct in the prior chapter. **_

* * *

**Dangerous Secrets**

_5. Out in the open_

Hearing a knock at his open office-door Mac snapped out of his thoughts and looked up to find out who dared to disturb him right now. Seeing that it was Stella and watching her walk up to his desk he simply frowned, waiting for an explanation.

While entering the office and heading to Mac's desk Stella studied carefully his face. Eventually she stopped in front of the desk and stated :

"Listen, before you think about tearing off my head - I just came to ask if you have any intention to leave your office any time soon..."

Instead of answering her indirect question he only demanded to know :

"Why?"

"Well, ever since you returned from interrogating Sullivan you haven't come out of here once..." Stella pointed out.

While listening to his colleague a half stubborn, half angry expression appeared on Mac's face. Getting up from his seat, pushing his hands firmly down onto his desk, he cut Stella harshly off :

"So what? Last time I checked _**I **_was still the leader of this lab."

At that Stella raised her hands in defeat, somehow starting to believe that it had been such a bad idea to go and check on him.

"Look Mac, nobody's questioning that, okay?" She tried,

"I just wanna know what the matter is..." When Mac refused to reply Stella let out a heavy sigh and went on,

"Come on, Mac...You can't stay in here and avoid us forever."

At that he shook slightly his head, while sitting back down he gave her a look and inquired :

"That's really what you think?" He paused for a few seconds, letting his words sink in, before he continued,

"Stella, you know me now for how long - and that's your best guess? Seriously? That's weak..." And after a moment he repeated, pursing his lips and emphasizing each of his words,

"_**That's**_ _**really weak**_."

"Well, then why don't you just _**enlighten**_ me and simply spill what's going on?" Stella demanded, slowly beginning to get angry herself.

For some time they only glared at each, both of them trying to stare the other one down, though neither of the two was willing to break eye-contact first.

Eventually it was Stella who surrendered after a while. Letting her shoulders hang she broke the silence and pointed angrily out :

"You know, the entire passed two months I watched you burying yourself in work, shutting yourself off from simply everybody else - and I made the mistake to simply let you do so..." Stella trailed off. Actually she had wanted to leave it at that, but taking a closer look at Mac and seeing the completely indifferent expression on his face, she lost the last remains of her patience, of her calm, and yelled at him,

"But you know what? Enough is enough, Mac - you're hearing me? For Christ's sake, face it - _**none**_ of this will change _**anything**_!"

While Stella was speaking Mac dug his finger-nails deeply into the armrests of his chair in an attempt of fighting back his growing rage.

"...So, stop acting like the whole goddamn world is resting upon your shoulders ever since she died - _**because none of it will bring Angell back!**_" Those last few words were over her lips before her mind was able to tell her not to say them.

Sure enough his eyes darkened in the matter of a split second, now resembling burning embers, making it that much clearer to Stella that she had overstepped _**the**_ line. After all, despite the fact that they were close friends now for years and the fact that due to their extremely close bond he let her see more of his thoughts and emotions than basically anyone else, there were nonetheless things that were absolutely taboo - topics that were totally off limits - even for her.

However, even though she of course had known better she had ignored the silent agreement between them that they won't push each other to talk about certain things. Well, she could point out that it had only happened due to her anger boiling over, could try arguing that she hadn't meant to do so...But it won't really change anything - the damage was already done. She had known perfectly well to which extend she could push the boundries of their friendship in order to make him open up to her - and she had broken the limit by speaking before thinking her words through.

Noticing that Mac's eyes were still burning holes through her she couldn't help but sigh. After another few seconds she took a deep breath and broke the icy silence that had formed between them.

"Mac, lis..." She started, in an attempt of doing some damage control, but he cut her almost immediatley off.

"Just. Get. Out. Of. Here." He hissed, emphasizing each word, his voice being as cold and sharp as a razorblade, then he yelled in the very same tone,

"_**Now**_!"

For the matter of a second or two Stella hesitated, but eventually she surrendered and left, knowing that it would probably only cause even more damage to their friendship if she tried to talk things out right away - Mac was simply way too angry at the moment as that he would even bother listening to what she was saying.

Stepping out of Mac's office and closing the door behind her Stella couldn't help but release a heavy sigh, knowing that it was probably going to take quite a while for Mac to calm down - much longer than when he had found out that she had ignored his order regarding Diakos. Compared to the current situation the entire going after Diakos herself thing was basically nothing. Sure, it had seriously pissed Mac off to find out that she had simply ignored a direct order from him, but nonetheless it had been something completely different...

After all, ignoring his order had been something almost entirely work-related, and Mac was good at keeping work from really affecting him. But this was something personal and therefore an entire different matter. She also knew from experience that Mac wasn't one to forgive easily - _**especially**_ when it came down to personal stuff.

And she was well aware that by bringing up Angell's death she had crossed the Rubicon, she had overstepped a line that had been supposed to remain perfectly untouched - and now she would have to deal with the consequences.

_Meanwhile :_

After watching Stella leave Mac simply leaned back and closed his eyes, trying to calm down - even though he couldn't deny that it was by far easier said than done to do so. Somehow he couldn't help wondering how this conversation had been able to take such a surprising and extremely unpleasant turn.

It wasn't like them to argue - let alone fight like this...But then again, maybe this was simply not his day. After all, there was the entire dilemma with Flack during the interrogation, the fact that they had to let Sullivan walk, furthermore they were still far from closing the current case considering that Sullivan's alibi had checked out - and now his quite huge argument with Stella...

Maybe he should simply take some time off and get some distance between himself and all those things that bothered him recently. On the other hand he was well aware of the fact that it would be pointless to even try running from his problems, so why should he go through the trouble of taking some time off - giving his mind the opportunity to focus even more on all those things due to a lack of distraction?

At that thought he couldn't help but release a heavy sigh. Eventually opening his eyes again Mac took a deep breath and chose to focus back on the file he had been reading - or had at least tried to read - before Stella had come to him.

_Around half-past eleven PM :_

After Stella had left earlier Mac had worked the entire rest of the day on paperwork, only being disturbed one more time. That second time it had been Hawkes, who told him that the NYPD had arrested a possible suspect in their case. Mac had only nodded and told his colleague to keep him posted, before focusing back on what he was working on.

About one and a half hours had passed before Hawkes had given him a call to inform him of the fact that the guy, who had been arrested by the NYPD, had turned out to be indeed the killer. And well, after that it had been a blissfully quiet day for him, giving him plenty of time to work through the piles of files covering his desk.

Considering that he had spent most of the day looking through case-files Mac had basically lost all sense of time. In fact he had not only been unaware of the passing of time, but also of how most of the lab employees left for the night - though it wasn't like he really cared 'bout that in the first place.

Being totally lost in what he was reading Mac didn't notice how someone walked toward the entrance of his office, or how the person stopped in the door-way. Therefore he he almost jumped at the soft knock that was heard a short moment later.

Seeing Mac's head jerk up Stella couldn't help a grin from crossing her features. Noticing the surprised frown on his face she stated :

"Even though I know that this might not be such a good idea - I think we should talk...And considering that I thought that chances were good that I'd find you here I came to the conclusion that I could might as well check if I'm right with that assumption."

Listening to what Stella was saying Mac's frown deepened, not being all too sure of whether he liked where this was going.

"Well, for starters - I brought you a little peace-offering..." With that she lifted her left hand, which was holding a bag of Asian take-out and came into his office.

For a short moment Mac eyed her suspiciously, then his frown was replaced by a smirk and he stated, a slight trace of sarcasm etched to his voice :

"Why don't you come in?"

Stella only shook her head for a few seconds, while walking up to his desk. Putting the take-out down she took a seat in front of Mac's desk. And after a moment they started eating in perfect silence.

_Some time later :_

As they were both finished eating Stella broke finally the silence :

"Listen Mac, I'm sorry about earlier...I know that what I've said was out of line."

Mac couldn't help frowning at that, but nonetheless he remained quiet for the time being, sensing that Stella wasn't finished yet with what she wanted to say. So instead of replying he simply waited patiently for her to continue.

"I shouldn't have yelled at you - and even less I should have mentioned Angell's death." Stella stated after some time.

"I certainly agree on the fact that your yelling was unnecessary. But that doesn't mean that what you've said was wrong..." Mac spoke eventually up,

"After all, I _**did**_ bury myself in work and I _**was**_ avoiding you and the others - that's a matter of fact and I honestly doubt that I can really blame you for mentioning it."

"True, someone had to open your eyes - even though it certainly got totally out of hand..." Stella mused, before deciding to change the topic,

"So, what's bothering you since you returned from the precinct? Is it Flack getting suspended?"

They all knew about Flack getting suspended, as well as the reason for his suspension - after all, some things just were impossible to be kept secret...

After a moment of consideration Mac nodded and said :

"I feel bad for telling Carlisle about the fact that Flack drank on the job."

They locked eyes and Stella shook slightly her head before taking a deep breath.

"Listen Mac, you are _**not **_responsible for Flack getting suspended!" She disagreed, before pointing out,

"He would have also been suspended even if you hadn't mentioned it and you know that just as well as I do. After all, he has beaten Sullivan up, Carlisle couldn't just let that slip and pretend that it didn't happen..."

"Sullivan provoked Flack - he _**wanted**_ him to attack him." Mac paused, an angry expression crossing his face,

"It almost seemed like Sullivan knew _**exactly**_ just what to say to upset Flack enough to lose it."

"That might be true, but no matter whether Sullivan is a real scumbag or not - it doesn't matter at all if he actually just got what he deserved. Flack should have ignored him instead of giving Sullivan the satisfaction of letting his anger get the better of him. By beating Sullivan he left no other choice to Carlisle beside suspending him. The only person responsible for Flack's suspension is Flack himself - so stop blaming yourself." Stella told him firmly.

Mac didn't say anything in response and Stella simply remained quiet as well for some time before she asked softly :

"So, how are you _really_ doing?" She tried locking eyes with him, but Mac avoided her gaze. Probably, so Stella thought, it was actually a stupid and completely unnecessary question, considering that it was quite obvious to her that he was far from okay, but still...

Mac kept silent, either because he didn't want to answer or he simply didn't see a reason for saying something in response. However, as he looked back at her after another moment of perfect silence his eyes gave her the answer.

"Well, does it help?" She eventually wanted to know.

At that Mac raised questioning an eyebrow and she added :

"Burying yourself in work...Does it make it any easier?"

He thought for a moment then he shrugged and said :

"Yeah, at least a bit."

Stella nodded slightly, having expected to hear something like that, however, she knew that it was a lie. For a moment she wondered whether it was better to simply accept his answer or if she should push him to finally open up - what would mean risking yet another argument.

On the other hand she had already crossed the line, had already ignored the fact that everything related to Angell and her death was taboo to talk about with him, so she might as well could force him to talk about it now.

Taking a deep breath Stella broke the silence.

"It's not gonna bring Angell back." Stella repeated what she had already told him earlier.

While she spoke Stella observed Mac carefully, almost expecting him to cut her off any second, or to jump up and yell at her. However, instead he only tensed up, his fingers gripping the armrests of his chair so tightly that his knuckles became white, his eyes hardened and his face became an unreadable mask to her, but he didn't say anything.

After a moment Mac began to relax, letting his shoulders hang he released a heavy sigh and stated barely above a whisper :

"I know that, Stella..." He paused, closing his eyes for a moment, then he looked back at her and added,

"But at least it keeps me from thinking non-stop about what happened."

"Mac...It's been more than two months now - you have to let go and move on..." Stella told him after a moment of thinking, and even though she said it in a soft voice it sounded nonetheless harsh even to her own ears. She knew that to Mac her words must be like a blade cutting right through him, but some things just had to be said - even if it hurt to hear them.

"Do you really believe I don't try?" Mac retorted angrily, glaring at her he got up and yelled,

"It's _**not**_ that simple, Stella! She wasn't just some stranger, some annonymous victim in just another case - _**she was one of**_ _**us**_!"

It didn't take long before his anger had subsided and Stella got aware of how exhausted he suddenly seemed. As he spoke up again his voice was raw with a mix of sadness and pain.

"She didn't deserve to die - especially not like this..."

"Listen Mac, you're not the only one who misses her - we _**all**_ lost her that day and it's been hard for _**all**_ of us to accept that she's gone." Stella said after a moment and they locked eyes,

"We all wish there was a way to change what happened, to go back in time and prevent this from happening - but it's impossible...You have to accept that as well, even though I'm aware of the fact that it's even that much harder for you to do so considering that I know how much she meant to you..." Seeing the surprise in Mac's eyes as she said that Stella pointed out,

"Come on, Mac, did you really think you could hide that from me?"

For a moment Mac simply stared at her then he wanted to know :

"For how long do you already know?"

"Well, to be honest even though I noticed pretty much from the start how much you seemed to care about her it wasn't until a few months before she died that I realized just how deep your feelings for her were really running..." They locked eyes again,

"You loved her..."

Mac shook slightly his head, then he said :

"I can't believe you noticed..."

Hearing that a soft smile appeared on Stella's face and she pointed out :

"You might be able to hide it from the others, but I know you by far too long and good as that you could keep this from me...I noticed the way you sometimes looked at her, how her simple presence was able to light up your mood...And just for the record - Flack knows as well..."

"Really?" Mac asked surprised.

Stella only nodded and they remained quiet for the time being, both of them lost in their thoughts. However, after a while Stella stated, her eyes resting on the clock on Mac's desk which read already quarter to one :

"It's already quite late, so how about we call it a day?"

Mac frowned for a few seconds, apparently contemplating about her words, then he said to Stella's slight surprise :

"Sounds good to me." Seeing the surprise on Stella's face, Mac couldn't help but grin and asked,

"What?"

Stella shook slightly her head in amusement and mumbled, while getting up :

"Eh, nothing..."

"Good." Mac said and began packing up.

Only a moment later they stepped out of his office and headed for the elevator to get to the car-park.

_Tbc_

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_**A/N: Thank you so much for reading, I hope you liked this and that it was worth the waiting! To be honest, I got no idea where this chapter came from - maybe this (kinda weird) chapter was caused by my writer's block, or it's related to the fact that I just kinda like it when Mac and Stella argue with each other, maybe the answer is something entirely different...I seriously don't wanna bore you out of your minds by trying to figure it out...*Grin***_

_**Anyways, please take the time to let me know your opinion and REVIEW!**_


	6. Nightmares

_**A/N:**__ Here's __**finally**__ the next chapter - I know it took AGES and I'm sorry for the delay, but I was sortta stuck. Well, the prior chapter was focused on Mac and what happened at the lab, this chapter shows what happened meanwhile over at Flack's place. However, there will also be a part focused on Mac later in the chapter, which takes place after chapter 5 ended._

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**Dangerous Secrets**

_6. Nightmares_

Waking up and turning to look at her brother a small smile crossed Sam's face. Somehow she was relieved that he was sleeping considering that he had apparently barely slept in the last time.

For a moment she considered waking him and telling him to go to bed so he would get some real, good sleep, but eventually she decided against doing so. After all, right now he was sleeping peacefully and who knew if he was going to be able to go back to sleep if she woke him...

Taking another careful glance at her brother's face Sam became more and more aware of the fact that she was missing him. There had been a time when they had been quite close, but if she was honest it felt like ages had passed since then. She knew that it was mainly her fault that they had drifted apart like that, considering all the stupid things she had done throughout the passed years...

Before she could get even more lost in her thoughts Sam's mind was brought back to reality as Flack tensed up next to her. Looking at him Sam couldn't help frowning worried as she saw the pained expression on his face. Only a moment later Flack reached for her shoulder and gripped it tightly, tensing even more up.

After a few seconds of consideration she lifted her left hand to his forearm and squeezed it lightly, stating softly,

"Don, wake up..." When he didn't show any reaction her frown deepened and starting to shake him slightly she repeated, this time louder,

"Wake up."

A second or two later Flack bolted awake, gasping for air he bent over, trying to regain control over his breathing.

Watching how her brother struggled for air Sam frowned worried, while lifting her right hand and starting to stroke his back, hoping it might calm him.

When Flack had calmed down and his breathing had pretty much returned to normal Sam stopped stroking his back and giving him a half questioning, half concerned glance she asked softly,

"You're okay?"

Flack only gave a slight nod. For a moment Sam looked doubtful at him, but chose not to question his reply.

After a minute or two of silence she suggested,

"How about you head to your bedroom and try to get some _**real**_ sleep?"

Flack frowned slightly, thinking for a minute or two about his sister's words before giving another slight nod and a moment later they both got up.

As Flack started heading to his bedroom Sam offered,

"If you want I'll make you some tea."

"That would be nice, Sam..."

Instead of saying anything in response she only watched him disappear in his bedroom, before she went to the kitchen to get the tea ready.

While waiting for the water to start boiling she got lost in her thoughts again, wondering if there was anything she could do to help her brother. Eventually deciding to postpone thinking about that she moved to take a look through the cabinets to find some teabags and a teapot. It didn't take long before she had found a pack of teabags and a pot.

Hanging a few teabags into the pot she let out a soft sigh and took a look around, her eyes eventually stopping on a jar of honey standing in the corner next to the fridge. Taking the jar and placing it next to the teapot Sam smiled slightly, starting to search for a spoon.

Just as she had found the right drawer and had taken one of the table-spoons the water boiler shut itself off, signaling that the water was heated enough. So she put the spoon down and poured the hot water over the teabags into the pot, before putting the water boiler back into its place.

Once the tea was ready she opened the honey jar and took a heaping table-spoon of honey out of the jar, adding it to the tea. After she had stirred the tea she screwed the lid back onto the honey jar and put the spoon into the sink.

A moment later she got a cup, grabbed the tea-pot and went to bring both to her brother.

Walking into the bedroom she saw Flack sitting on the edge of his bed, apparently totally lost in thought. He had changed into dark-grey sweat pants and a white t-shirt and had discarded the clothes he had been wearing before carlessly to the floor.

"Don?" She broke after a moment the silence, causing him to snap out of his thoughts and turn to look at her. Studying his face as she went to the nightstand to put the teapot and cup down she asked,

"You're okay?"

Flack frowned for a moment, eventually he sighed and stated,

"I was just thinking..."

Nodding slightly in understanding Sam put the cup and the teapot down, then she turned around and looking at her brother she told him,

"I put some honey into the tea."

At that a small smile crossed momentarily Flack's face and he said,

"Okay... Thanks, Sam."

"No problem, Don..." She replied, smiling slightly, then she added,

"Try to get some sleep."

Seeing him nod she left and headed back to the living-room. Once there she stopped in the middle of the room, wondering for a moment what she should do. After a minute or two she walked over to a book-shelf and studied the titles of the books, before settling for a book by Stephen King. Sitting down on the couch she started reading.

_Some time later:_

Hearing the phone ringing Sam put the book down, got up from the couch and went to answer the call.

"Flack."

_"Samantha?" _She heard their dad's surprised voice on the other end of the line and could barely suppress a sigh as he added,

_"I was sure I dialed Don's number..."_

"You did. I'm at his apartment." Samantha stated while checking if Don was still sleeping, before closing the door of the bedroom.

_"Can you get him on the phone?"_ Their dad asked.

"No, I can't. He's sleeping."

_"Could you please wake him then?"_

At their dad's request Sam couldn't help but roll with her eyes and replied,

"Well, of course I could but I won't."

_"Sam..." _Their dad started, but was almost immediately cut off.

"No, Dad! I'm not gonna wake Don up just so you can yell at him! He has already enough to deal with. He doesn't need you to make it even worse by giving him crap about what happened!"

_"So he told you that he got suspended because he beat a suspect up and drank on the job?" _

"Yeah, he told me." Sam remained silent for a second or two then she stated coldly,

"It must be really hard for you to find out that even Don, your perfect little clone, is only human after all. What are you gonna do, Dad, huh? Tell him how incredible disappointed you are and then wash your hands off him, pretending that he doesn't exist anymore like you did with me?" Sam stated angrily, trying to keep her voice down to avoid waking Flack.

_"Look Samantha, I get it you're mad, but ..." _Their dad tried, but she interrupted him again.

"I wasn't finished!" She hissed sharply,

"For Christ's sake, Dad, Don has been through a lot lately - he lost the woman he loved! You of all people should know how that feels... But then again you probably don't remember what it was like when Mom died anyway, considering how good you are with wiping things and people from your memory!"

In the back of her mind Sam knew that what she said was unfair and that her words were probably hurting their dad, but as upset as she was she simply couldn't help it... There were simply too many unresolved issues between her and their dad - too much anger she had bottled up throughout the passed few years. Eventually coming to the conclusion that it would probably be best to end the conversation before she was making things between her and their dad even worse she stated,

"Listen Dad, how about you leave it to Don whether he wants to talk with you about this or not? I'll tell him you called..."

After a short moment of silence their dad sighed and gave reluctantly in,

_"Alright..."_

A moment later they hung up and letting herself drop onto the couch Sam let out a heavy sigh, simply closing her eyes for a short while. After a minute or two she opened her eyes again and put the phone down on the coffee-table, before grabbing the book and continuing with reading.

_Around 8:40 PM:_

Considering that the plot of the book was quite intriguing it hadn't taken long before Sam had finished reading it and after putting the book back into its place she had started watching a DVD.

Sam wasn't sure how much time had passed when she heard her bother say,

"Hey..."

Turning to look at him she stated with a small smile,

"Hey yourself..." Watching how Flack came toward her she turned the volume of the TV down. As he took a seat next to her she asked,

"Did I wake you?"

Glancing at his sister Flack sighed and shook his head,

"No, I had another nightmare..."

At that a partly sad, partly worried expression crossed Sam's face and she wondered once more what she could do to help Flack.

"What are you watching?" Flack inquired after a moment of silence, causing Sam to snap out of her thoughts.

"Eh, _The Fast and the Furious_, though it's almost over..." She paused, thinking for a few seconds. Eventually she smiled, having an idea of how to distract her brother from his troubles, she suggested,

"How about we order a pizza or something and watch some movies?"

After a moment of thinking about his sister's idea Flack smiled and replied,

"Sounds good to me..."

Sam's smile widened a bit then she said,

"Well, you order the food while I'm gonna figure out what movie we watch first, 'k?"

Flack nodded in agreement and got up, heading to the kitchen to get the menu of his favorite pizza place. Meanwhile Sam went over to the shelf with her brother's DVD collection and started searching for a funny movie.

* * *

As they had reached the underground parking-lot Stella suggested to grab a drink together but Mac declined, not feeling like company, nor being in the mood for talking. A moment later they parted, both of them heading to get home.

_Around 1:20 AM:_

Stopping in front of the apartment building Mac turned the engine off and got out of the car. After entering the building he quickly went up to his floor. Nearing the door of his apartment he already pulled the keys out.

Once inside Mac released a heavy, exhausted sigh, letting his guards down - not seeing a point in keep pretending that he was okay now that he was alone. For a while he simply stood motionless in the small front hall, before eventually going to the kitchen to get some water.

Opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water he sighed once more, slowly starting to realize just how exhausted he actually was. After unscrewing the lid of the bottle he took several swigs of the water, closing his eyes for a moment, just enjoying the cool liquid.

A short time later he opened his eyes again and took another swig of water, then he closed the bottle and put it back into the fridge, before heading to his bedroom.

Upon entering the bedroom a yawn escaped him and he quickly went to the adjoining bathroom to change clothes. While taking off his shirt and placing it on the rim of the bathtub Mac yawned once more, straightening up his eyes stopped on his reflection in the mirror over the sink and he couldn't help but notice the exhaustion written all over his face, the dark circles beneath his eyes. Releasing an exhausted sigh he continued with undressing.

After changing into a pair of dark sweat-pants and a black t-shirt Mac went back to the bedroom. As he had reached the bed and pulled the covers back he yawned for another time and lying down and pulling the sheets over him he hoped he would for a change get actually some real rest. Closing his eyes he tried to relax and surprisingly he quickly drifted off to sleep.

_Some time later:_

Mac wasn't sure for how long he had been sleeping when he bolted awake, gasping for air he bent over, trying hard to regain control over his breathing. He could feel his racing heart hammering so hard that it almost seemed as if it wanted to crack his rib-cage open and jump out of his chest.

As his breathing started slowly to return to normal Mac opened his eyes. Only a moment later he released a heavy sigh and let his head hang as his mind drifted off to the nightmare he had had. Like so many nights before he had dreamed about Angell, about her death...

After a moment Mac got up and headed to the kitchen to get himself something to drink, considering that his throat felt drier than the Sahara. Pulling the door of the fridge open he grabbed the bottle of water from earlier. He quickly unscrewed the lid and downed almost the entire remaining content of the bottle in one or two gulps, before he paused to catch his breath.

While taking some deep breaths his mind wandered off to the events of the day. To what had happened while he and Flack had interrogated Sullivan, to his conversation with Carlisle - to Flack getting suspended. He couldn't help but still feeling bad because he had told Carlisle that Flack had been drinking on the job, yet at the same time he also felt somewhat relieved that Flack was suspended and won't be back to work until going through a psych evaluation, considering that he was currently in no condition to work.

A moment later he thought back to his argument with Stella, to the conversation they had a few hours ago. He still couldn't quite believe that she knew about his feelings for Angell, but on the other hand there was probably barely anyone who knew him as good as Stella did.

After some more time he went to the living-room, having come to the conclusion that he probably won't be able to go back to sleep anyway. Sitting down on the couch he took another sip of water, before getting once more lost in his thoughts.

It didn't take long before his mind drifted off to Angell, like it always did when he had nothing to distract himself with, he just couldn't help it...

He still remembered the first case they had worked on together, a few weeks after the bomb blast which had almost killed him and Flack. She had just become a detective and had still been under Benton's supervision, yet she had already proven during that first case that she was more than capable to do her job by herself.

During the course of the investigation they had wanted to question the victim's drug dealer, though of course the guy was less than happy about the perspective of talking with cops so he had run. Angell had taken off after him, had chased him for like three blocks and eventually she had taken him down and they had brought him to the precinct for questioning...

From the first day he had been impressed by her dedication to her job, her confidence - by the fact that even though she was tough-as-nails she was at the same time so compassionate. But what had really captivated him had been her smile...

At that thought a sad expression crossed his face, knowing that he won't see it ever again.

He knew Stella was right, he should move on - but he simply couldn't. It might have been two months now but to him it felt like it had happened just the other day. The memories of that morning, of that day, still haunted him and somehow he doubted that he would ever be able to move on.

Angell had simply meant too much to him as that he could let go, and the fact that he had never told her was making it only that much harder.

He wasn't even quite sure when he had started falling for her, when she had started invading his mind more and more, however, what he did know was that it felt like he had lost a part of him along with her...

Before he was able to get even more lost in his thoughts he heard the distant sound of his cell phone and releasing a heavy sigh he got up from the couch.

Once he had reached the bedroom he grabbed the cell from the nightstand. Taking a look at the message he had received and seeing that there was a new case he sighed once more. A moment later he headed to the bathroom to take a quick shower before getting ready for work.

_Tbc_

* * *

_**A/N:**__ Thanks for reading! I hope you liked the update and that it was worth the long waiting. Anyways, please do me a favor and take the time to review!_


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